Alright, I haven’t written anything in a while, though it doesn’t really matter because there are no humans to read it. It’s a strange thing that – knowing how many of us there are out there, yet non being here. It’s a scary thought that the majority of the web is seen by only a tiny amount of eyes, if at all. Although, then again, maybe it’s a little comforting too.
So, YES! I just started at university. The first few days of my next four years. It’s a daunting thought, isn’t it? All this unending commotion, all these anxieties that do their best to rule every waking second of my life. The question I ask myself is: How do I cope with this? And the only answer I come across is: I don’t, (at least not very well.)
In the last forty-eight hours I have found myself come to ruin, to surprise, to resentment, even to a tiny, insignificant amount of excitement for my future. Most of all, I have realised I don’t have a clue as to what I’m doing with any aspect of my life. I suppose being where I am, there could be some answers lurking somewhere. Or maybe that is just something I tell myself to get through the day without wanting to keel over and die. Though inevitably I often do want to keel over and die.
Right now I’m sat in my room. All around me is the chaos of people. The drinking, the laughter, socialising, and everything else you can imagine. But here I sit alone, listening. Do I feel alone? Yeah, all of the time. All of the time… Does that depress me? Of course it does. I would fix it if I knew how. Though, knowing how’s the hardest part, isn’t it? Instead I wallow in a swamp off regret and resentment, both for myself and the world in general.
It would be nice to live in a world un-pressured by social norms, a world where being yourself, your true self, is rewarded, and anything else is frowned upon. It’s unfortunate the world works in the exact opposite manner. When I leave my room, I am pressured to socialise, pressured to talk, small talk. And when I don’t, I am strange, I’m the outlier – the weirdo. The same goes for when I don’t attend the parties, when I don’t have words to say, when I cannot summon a smile, when my facade of wellness slips.
Or… maybe I am paranoid? It wouldn’t come as a surprise.
Tomorrow is a big day. The first ‘real’ day of my course. I look on it with the hope of finding friends, being able to smile, garnering some sense of normality in this perpetual madness. I also retreat in utter fear of all the things I do not and cannot know. All the people, their faces, and thier personalities.
I’ll do what I always do: get by.