Around a year or two ago, I wasn’t in a great place. Of course, I’m hardly in a great place now. But compared to back then, things are peachy – and this, I take comfort in.
Back then, the world was an infinitely complex place. Even more so than it is now, and that’s saying something… The thing is, my mind at that time, is now something I cannot comprehend. I cannot even imagine the thoughts that were running through my head. The utter ignorance of everything I contemplated seems absolutely preposterous, selfish, irrational. And the biggest thing of all … I don’t know why, what for?
In the grand scheme of things nothing much has changed in my life. I still only have a few friends. I still sit in the house for most of every day. I’m still more or less the same person. Really the only difference is my short week at university – https://amongstallelse.wordpress.com/2016/10/09/home-once-again/ – That was an experience I will never forget. One I will re-take next September, but actually see through to the end this time!
So, two years ago I honestly found pleasure in nothing, not even my writing or reading. And then, I stumbled across a YouTube video. This one to be exact:
I remember it clearly. It was one of those moments where you sit back on your chair, stare at the ceiling and just think… just think. There was no clear train of thought. I remember sitting there, listening, wondering. There are certain people who catch your attention, be it with words, appearances, personalities, or with something a lot more ambiguous altogether. Other people rarely or ever see that one thing, that attraction that you yourself cannot ever decipher. It is there, and that’s all it is.
This is how I felt…feel when watching Holly Henry. (hmm, I hope that doesn’t sound creepy…) I don’t know whether it is her singing, her voice in particular. Or, without sounding shallow, maybe it is her appearance. She is an attractive person after all. But… attraction in that physical sense doesn’t really compute that well with me. I think it has to be something deeper, something more meaningful. Even if it is not clear what that actually might be.
Then I came across this in possibly one of the worst months – if I can recall January/February 2015. It doesn’t feel good to look back to that moment of my life. There’s something tainted about even the thought of it. Anyway, here it is:
Listening to this now, I notice a mixed bag of feelings. On one hand, I’m proud, happy that I have moved onto a less traumatic part of my life. And on the other, a sadness and anxiety lurks within the fact that I got the way I did to begin with. Also, a complete strangeness that I can’t pin down – something akin to a distant outline on an impossibly foggy day. Or an off-beat murmur in an otherwise healthy heart.
There are people and things in life that are needed. Even if you do not know them personally, even if they do not know you. Sometimes just existing. Doing what they do, is all that is needed.
For me, Holly Henry is like that. A bastion of hope. A source of escape and pleasure when I needed it the most. When you find these things, you have to latch onto them, pull them as close to your heart as you can, for it might be the one thing that manges to shine through in an otherwise entirely dark world.