This is going to be a somewhat direct interpretation of ‘second thoughts.’ Sorry if it doesn’t say very much at all… if anything. But it means a certain amount to me, so I thought I’d get some of it out there, off my chest. As much of it as I understand myself, anyway.
Ah, where do I start… second thoughts… Well, let’s just say, they have become a well-known and incessant demon of mine throughout the years. Also, they don’t just stop at being seconds, they go on and on. Multiplying countless times, over and over again, until they no longer resemble what they originally were. But new, unknowable, untamable demons altogether. Demons that cannot be seen inside. Demons that have no insides. No thoughts of their own. No weaknesses at first glance…
Though, we all know everything has its weakness, its kyrptonite. In real terms my ‘second thoughts’ are just a part of the dreadfuul overthinking that occurs within my mind many times each day. Telling me that my decsions are the wrong ones, questioning the authority I have over my own thoughts, the authority I have over my own mind in a wider sense.
I do not know why. I do not know where it all stems from.
I’m fixing it though, bit by bit. Or maybe fixing is the wrong term… patching, making myself waterproof – that sounds better. I don’t know how to do it. It is the biggest learning process of my life. The biggest thing I have ever undertaken, by far. But I do not let this puut me off. Imaging the person I might be at the end of it, the person I will develop into. That is a big goal to look towards. It holds some sway. Even if getting there is going to be mighty hard.