Concerned, or Conversely, Elated

In the last few days I’ve been feeling kind of… different. Now, I don’t want to ascribe the words good or bad to the things that I’ve been feeling, simply because I think they exist in a much more complex state that those designations can convey. And I’m not sure whether I should be concerned, or conversely, elated.

I’ve been taking Sertraline for about the past seven weeks. And if there’s anything I know about myself, it’s that I seem to have a very high natural tolerance to most medication. In the near past I’ve been somewhat into the nootropics scene (judge me if you like!) and believe me, for better or worse – worse… – I’ve popped 600mg of Modafinil without feeling anything. I get confused when people get ‘jittery,’ or ‘stimulated’ by coffee. Give me a few liters of the stuff and it won’t have any more effect than water. So, at this point I’ve pretty much given up on all that. Though of course, it hasn’t stemmed my love of a decent coffee! A strong Indonesian one is preferable!

My point is that… I’m not sure if the medication is working. After seven weeks it should be, whatever the effects might be. Generally my mood seems to be a bit better throughout the day than it was previously. My anxiety is still pretty crippling, and there are still days when my bed seems like the most attractive place to be.Maybe like most thing in my life, I was simply expecting too much, expecting more than what the rational world can offer me.

I keep telling myself that this is not a fix, that the medication is only a tool I can help fix myself. I tell myself that there is effort that needs to be put in, effort, that is frankly lacking on my part. I say all these things to myself, but it never seems to happen, it never seems to progress past some ambiguous pre-determined base-line to the next. Though, as always I hang onto the knowledge that hopefully that day will come when I can move on, when I am ready to board the train and ride towards the next station.

On the flip-side, I’ve been writing a lot recently. There isn’t a day where I don’t take comfort in that.

-Chris ❤

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