Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about this. In fact, thoughts of late seem to be in abundance. So much so that even falling asleep at night is a challenge with my mind that is in constant motion, constant contemplation.
A bit of background: My parents split up when I was somewhere around the age of eight. It wasn’t a tear, a destruction of a relationship. It was merely a… split, a difference of ideas. And to this day it is somewhat complicated. They are still married, and they are still very good friends. Often there is the talk of it once again developing into something further. I see my dad once or twice a week, sometimes staying at his on weekends. And when I was younger it was much more frequent. So, I have never had a lack of a father, not by any stretch of the imagination.
So, what I’m getting at, is that – for the most part – I have lived with my mother and sister for the past thirteen, or so, years. Obviously this has had an impact on my development, on my psyche. Though, my family, my dad, and the other males within it – we’re not the macho type anyway, not the type to ride into the battle on the back of a testosterone fuelled Bull-of-Masculinity.
I think the line between masculinity and femininity is ill-defined, malleable, breakable – ultimately, whatever you want to make it. I do not drink litres of cheap beer while watching football. I do not sit through rage-induced boxing and UFC fights, idolising the fighters, and their physique. I am not muscular, nor do I intend to be. I do not leer at every woman I pass on the street, in the hope of ‘scoring.’ I think in general this culture of what it means to be a man is utterly cancerous. And I can’t see any rational reason why any person would aspire towards this.
Sometimes I think many times a day on what it would be like to be a woman, and on some days I even desire this. Or at least the physical aspects of it. In truth I find the female body much more attractive than its male counterpart. Not in terms of my own sexual preferences, but to belong inside, to feel and be a part of (No, not like that! Jeez…). If this makes some degree of sense. I understand the idea, and the concept of gender is a very deep, and a somewhat overwhelming field. I’m not transgender – or at least, at this moment in time I am not. In both sex and gender I am male. It is a complicated subject, and often the thoughts regarding it make little sense, and have little coherency.
I would say, I’m 90% straight, 10%… something else, something more undefinable.
Life, existence, is sometimes a fickle, and even arbitrary thing to understand. Maybe we should not try to actively understand it at all. It’s possible that all the knowledge we need and desire, will come through life being felt, and life being experienced in the fullest. Rather than some life-long quest artificially acquire it.
What does that mean for myself? Well… I’ll take each day as it comes, and each feeling as it develops. No matter whether I like it or not. I don’t want to be closed off. I don’t want to be emotionless, icy, and impenetrable. If that means I am more feminine than masculine, then so be it! Though, I like to think I pull parts from both fields, the best parts. Discarding the extremes, the misogynistic regime that lies at the side of radicalised male extremism.
Yes… I did just say that. Over, and out!