This is a diary entry I wrote a year ago, or roundabouts. It is something I feel the need to share. Reading it back, well, it is enlightening to say the least. It shows how far I have come – something I honestly overlooked.
Why, please tell me? How can I be so lonely and still – most of the time – feel nothing. Everywhere I see it. In other people’s eyes, in their locked hands, their kisses. I don’t, I seemingly cannot know what that is like. There are things that take away the loneliness a little. But they also add new things to the table. Namely jealousy, regret, and admittedly, self-hatred. Yet, I can’t make it a game of the pros and cons, life isn’t that analytical. So, what do I do, alone, never been with anyone, scared to be with anyone. What if by any remote possibility I get close to someone. How will that work? If someone I like with all my heart asks me out for lunch or dinner – on a date! What do I do then? I can’t live up to the expectation that people set on me, the expectation that are set on every single person. I don’t want any of that, I don’t care about any of it! I want people to see me. To love what they see without wanting on top of that. Then again, isn’t that what every single person wants, to be loved unconditionally.
Am I even capable of being loved? What are the requirements, the prerequisites? If I look into somebody else’s eyes, and see beauty on the inside – even if it may not be on the outside. If they look back what might they see in me? Someone devoid of so much that they aren’t recognisable. Someone so ambiguous and unexplainable that they want nothing to do with me. It’s not that I’m overly afraid of getting close to someone. It’s just that I wouldn’t know how to act, or what I should do. What happens in a situation where I like them, but that feeling is not reciprocated, or even the other way around? In a way all off this seems meaningless because I can never see myself even entering a situation even remotely close to something like that.
So, that’s it. My mind-set from a year ago. Pretty rough.
I’m not saying that too many things have changed. A lot of those things still remain in place. Of course, more than I would like – far more. But I am working on them. And that is a change, the biggest change thatt can happen. No longer am I utterly hopeless. No longer is the future so dark I cannot see it.