Last night, I had a dream. (it partly inspired this poem – Unfeeling in the Lands of Plenty) I suppose in many regards it wasn’t a too unusual dream, well… not by my own, somewhat odd standards, anyway. Over the years I have become accustomed to falling asleep and entering the crazy land of my vivid dreams. I have written about them before.
So, for the past few nights I have been a little unsettled because of a cold I am currently battling through – I think I’ve got it on the back foot! Anyway, I awoke this morning with that all-familiar feeling of having a dream that means something, though sometimes the meaning is lost, and all I’m ultimately left with is a beautiful, vestigial glowing. Like the shimmering of the road surface on a hot and humid day, or the subtle effect that de-ja-vu has. It is warm, it flows around my body with a hurried vigour. And in that moment, as I let it flow through my soul, I wonder how I’ve ever lived without it – how I manage to live without feeling it in the real, waking world. It’s something that I crave. Something that in reality is completely unreachable.
It would be horribly hard to explain what my dream was about, and what it felt like as I experienced it. But, I will give an outline, a blurb of what I can recall semi-clearly:
I knew that I had to do something, something of great importance. I felt around my wrist, there was a white bracelet there – I didn’t know what if was for. I found myself in a car, travelling along some unknown road, towards some unknown place. After an indeterminable amount of time, I got out, carrying some sort of backpack/hamper. I scaled a fence. The weather wasn’t glorious. The wind gusted, sending leaves scattering amidst the air, and the sky was dark – overcast. Though, there wasn’t a drop of rain in the air. Looking around, I saw a few other people – people talking, chatting, seemingly heading in no certain direction, much like myself. Once again I fingered the thin white bracelet, and out of nowhere, I was suddenly aware of what it meant: the way I would identify my ‘date.’ It was a picnic, despite the weather. As I climbed a small hill covered in thick grass, I saw someone I knew, a person from my past, who, it isn’t clear. Just someone… Around her wrist I saw the same white bracelet that I wore around my own. I felt a rush, a mix of excitement and panic that I knew all to well. And yet, I walked up to her. I pointed at my bracelet, and then to hers – she gave a surprised, but benevolent laugh. I laughed too. We separated from her friends, and found a place to sit amongst the grass and some nearby trees. And though the wind blew, it wasn’t cold, it was just perfect. I poured some coffee, and began to lay out the food from my pack. It felt good, it felt better than anything.
My memory fades there. If anything comes after, I can’t remember it. All I remember is it fading… maybe getting back into the car. Though, the images, the world, they’re not the most present. It is the feelings I revel in.
I often wonder if it is in any way dangerous to find such pleasure in dreams, in a reality that doesn’t exist – one that is always conjured by my own brain, my own immutable thoughts. Maybe they are dreams, and nothing more. But of course, I know they mean something. I understand that my mind is trying to make up for the real-world-defecit of interaction/relationships I have. It would be negligent to see otherwise. I assume that if I were to have those sorts of relationships in the real world, I would dream differently….
However, I don’t like to think of ‘what ifs,’ just what Is.
And I am happy that I’m able to have – and more importantly FEEL these dreams.