I ask myself this question more than once a day… why do I do it, why did I ever
start doing it?
It might seem like a relatively simple question to answer… surely I must have a clear reason behind doing one thing each and every day, habitually. But… no, I don’t. Of course, I love doing it, and any person who writes for themselves – for the love of doing it – will tell you that. I’m sure there is a deeper meaning in there somewhere, something intrinsic, woven into my being. But maybe it’s one of those things that are never meant to be found – they just exist, and we don’t question that existence, we needn’t, for it is a part of us.
Though, there are a few things that I do know: Writing, it’s the only form of expression that I find sufficient. You know, all those things built up inside myself, raging like the hydrogen atoms within a burning star; they have to go somewhere, they have to be burnt somehow, otherwise they turn into anger, and sadness, hatred, and regret. Words, at least alleviate some of that, converting them into burnable energy. Another thing, the simple glee that comes from creating a world, populating it with characters, and making those characters feel and experience things as if they were real – creating a mindset in which they are believed to be real. Essentially having magic (I didn’t say the magic worked…) at the end of my fingertips.
There are days when I write very little. There isn’t a moment goes by where I don’t wish to be writing more. Some days I question my writing altogether. I wonder whether it is good enough, and if not, will it ever be? Much like the rest of my life, tendrils of doubt spread throughout me, twining their way around my vital organs. And through this, I wonder what it takes to reach the place I’ve dreamed of reaching; if it is possible at all.
How do people survive – living their lives without writing, or without reading? I wonder how that is possible, how they manage to fill those gaping holes that only seem to grow deeper and deeper as time goes on.
So, if I were to give a simple answer to this complex question, it would be:
Because I can. Because what else do I have?