Some time ago… I would say two years… or maybe three, I’m not so certain. I listened to this song religiously. I’m not entirely sure why. K-pop definitely isn’t the kind of music I listen to on a regular basis. It isn’t even the kind of music I particularly enjoy at all… And, I suppose I can say the same for many of you who might read this.
So, a little context, right? Well, back then I was in something of a pickle. Alright, that’s an understatment, I was completely fucked. The depression was at its worst. I couldn’t get through a minute without questioning everything, without questioning life itself. Looking back, sure, it could have been worse, much worse. But in the heat of the passing moments, you don’t think about that. The mind is selfish, and when in such a state, nothing mattered beyond myself.Things happened that I wish didn’t. I did things that I wish I hadn’t, things that will always remind me of that desperate time. But I can see past that now, I can see that those months – that year, it was just a part of life, something I can now take with each and every stride, something I have greatly learnt from. In all respects I would be a different person if I hadn’t gone through that. Maybe it would be for the better, maybe it wouldn’t. The past is the past, all that’s happened has happened, there’s nothing I can do about it.
For the majority of the time I was awake, I would listen to this song, and a number of other K-pop songs, I would play endless amounts of an MMORPG game called Guildwars 2, and I would watch dangerous amounts of anime whilst trying to advance my drawing skills. Yes, at this point I hadn’t begun to take my writing seriously – I was doing it rather often. Though, it had not struck me that I needed to do it, that I wouldn’t be happy doing anything else. When I realised this, when I ventured out onto the journey – the depression retreated. It didn’t go away, it hasn’t gone anywhere, but it became manageable instead of absolutely soul crushingly scary. I was glad of that. I always will be.
I take comfort in knowing those days are behind me. I do not resent them. They are as much a part as me as the happy memories and the good times are. It’s these things that build us, and these things that break us. But in the end, all the parts – the good and the bad – they become us.
This song, it reminds me of those times. It isn’t painful to listen to, it makes me remember. And I think remembering is a whole lot more important than forgetting.